In the ‘furniture’ state of mind…

9 Mar

Monday: Epiphany

I am sprawled out on our sole divan one fine evening, resting my head on Gucci’s soft belly when I have  a glorious thought. The house resembles a cattle shed and it must be revamped.

I get into ‘what has to be done, should be done soon’ mode and ignore my husband’s statements like ”So what if our sofa is chewed, its cushions are ripped, or the study table looks like it has been through the second World War? Our friends come to meet us, not to see our furniture!”.

I roll my eyes. Can’t believe he thinks this way!

Note to our friends/family: You guys will definitely love us more when you will have a decent place to sit on the next time you visit us!

Tuesday: Leading from the front

I take up this project like the Terminator, determined to vanish every redundant piece of furniture from the house. I bring out all my stalker-like qualities and proceed to comb through every furniture website. I also register myself on OLX and Quikr, since we are open to buying used furniture (If it’s as good as new and half the price, why not!). While I do this, my husband has only four words of encouragement; ”Go for it, Tiger!”.

Wednesday: ‘Don’t call me again! Don’t you dare!’

To make space for the new furniture, we decide to sell the old furniture first. Enthused, I whip out my phone, go around the house taking pictures of our old furniture and put it up online for sale.

Either our furniture was really good or we were stupidly selling it for rock bottom prices, but we had a lot of people calling us (mostly me, because my dear husband’s contribution came to a grinding halt after the ‘Tiger’ line) for it.

I was happy to take these calls initially but it started taking a strange turn when my TrueCaller app started flashing names like ‘Dhirukaka’, ‘DJ Babi’ (No Kidding!). Then there were other kinds of people who would actually say things like, ‘Hello my dear friend Archita Nadgouda. Myself (first name) (last name). I’m new in Bangalore. I want your study table. Please give your address. I will pay you extra and take it today itself.’

Our table was sold to the same person.

Turns out that’s just the way he speaks (which is creepy), he was otherwise Okay.

Thursday: ‘Let her sleep for when she wakes up she will move mountains’

Napoleon was obviously talking about me. The only difference was that when I ‘woke’ up I moved all our furniture. Out of the house. In 2 days flat.

I was successful! It was a great start to project ‘Let’s-Make-Our-Home-Livable!’

However, there was just one tiny problem. We still hadn’t bought any new furniture yet and almost all of our existing furniture had all been sold. This meant lots of walking around the house looking for a place to sit, realizing that there are no seating arrangements anymore, finally ending up sitting on the floor and getting dirty looks from our pups Gucci and Skye for invading their territory.

Friday: Shattering my illusion

It had to happen one day. After all, it did look like it was on its last leg after our maid cracked it a few weeks ago.

It happened on the day I was jumping around excitedly like a kid, happily recounting funny stories of wierd people I was coming across when we heard a loud CRACK. It was the glass-top dining table. There was one neat cut from one edge to the other. The culprit was our cook this time, who, despite numerous warnings, had kept the piping hot Dal on the glass surface.

I dialed her number and within 5 minutes she was home, inspecting the table from all sides like ACP Pradyuman from CID, sadly shaking her head saying ‘tch tch’ in regular intervals and pretending to look sorry.

Sigh.

Now, to find someone to fix our dining table became one of the major sub-features of the big plan.

Something told me things were not going to be as easy as they seemed to be.

Saturday: Accepting my suggestions without a murmur

Seen those TV advertisements where the wife points at a furniture/a house/ or a wall paint color and the man, who obviously trusts and appreciates his wife’s better taste, nods happily at her in agreement?

Well, that sort of thing doesn’t happen in reality.

In real life, the husbands are not that simpleminded. I got my cold splash of reality when I realized my husband had very smartly let me do all the irritating and annoying part of negotiating and selling our old furniture and when the time came to do the more interesting work of selecting new furniture, he dove right in and started giving his opinion in everything.

When I protested that it’s only fair that he listens to all my suggestions without a murmur because of all the hard work I had done of dealing with random people and blamed him for not contributing even one percent, he looked at me calmly and exactly this transpired:

Abhishek: “Tumne wo kahawat nahi suni?”

Me (seething): ”Kaunsi kahawat?’

Abhishek (sounding sagely): ”Aaj kal bhalai ka zamana hi nahi raha!”

*Breaks into laughter at his own joke while I sit wondering what to say to such a man*

Sunday: Customer Service

After a lot of arguing, we were finally getting home some furniture, but they were transported to us from the shop in cartons. We called up customer care to send the technicians to assemble it for us, but it seemed like their customer service person had been trained to just say 3 lines. This was the exchange:

Me: Hi there, could you send somebody to install the furniture that we just bought?

(This person, answers to every question only after asking your name, number, address, bill number, products bought from the store, date and time, Aadhaar Card Number, Passport Number, Criminal background verification check certificate number etc.)

Customer care (after 10 mins of asking the above questions): We will send within 3 days.

Me: But we are not available on weekdays. Can you send somebody today, please?

Customer care: Ess… I will check and tell (hangs up abruptly)

Me (annoyed, calling up again): So did you check if you can send somebody today?

Customer care (asks all the above mentioned redundant questions again in spite of recognizing my voice): Ess… will send within 3 days.

Me:  But I told you, we are not at home on weekdays!

Customer care: Ess… we are calling one hour before we come.

Me (almost plucking my hair out): But that’s not going to help. Weekdays start from tomorrow. Both of us go to work. Send somebody today.

Customer care: Ess… we send within 3 days.

Me (really angry now!): Madam, do you understand my problem?

Customer care: Ess…

Me (feeling hopeful): So can you send somebody today…

Customer care: Ess… we sending within 3 days.

Me (wanting to beat this person into fine pulp): WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE AT HOME WHEN YOUR GUY LANDS UP AT OUR PLACE! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING?

Me: Ess… we calling one hour before we come.

Sigh. And it goes on….

And this is just one story. I haven’t even told you about our glass dealer who insists on taking orders only via email but has no idea how to use it, and the shady guy who tried to sell us possibly stolen or smuggled furniture (yes, such people exist!).

To sum it up, the last week has been quite ‘eventful’ and we would like to make it less ‘eventful’, so if you’ve been in similar situation and know a better way of dealing with it. Help us, maybe?

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One Response to “In the ‘furniture’ state of mind…”

  1. Abhishek Joshi March 12, 2015 at 8:51 am #

    Reblogged this on Beanbag Revolutionary and commented:
    Nice post by the wife. 🙂

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